Posted on Leave a comment

I embrace the spectrum of myself, and all my magick

Any purchase made with me by the end of the month will give you a sticker of this affirmation + a few others I have!

Working with the monthly cards and the affirmation

Hello my dear spirits!

Here is the blog post for the monthly cards + energies for October. I am trying to get into a habit of creating blogs, and tracking progress (more on that later….), but it is here.

The Magician

The first card that we are working with for October is the Magician. The Magician is a card that speaks to merging the magick of the self within the infinite magick of the life that abounds here with you. As the first card that initiates all of the Major Arcana, the Magician speaks to merging the self with the collective.

This energy, and this card, speaks to a shift in perspective. It speaks to a deepening of the self into the collective magick, and what a beautiful card to speak for the transition of October. We are moving from summer to fall (in the northern hemisphere). There is a palpable magick that comes with any sort of seasonal shift.

The Magician asks for you to consider the spectrum of life, harvest, and death within this month. We are seeing the slow death of summer green. We are experiencing the increasing cold set in. The Magician asks you to consider what within this seasonal shift is reminiscent within yourself. What is giving way to the transition of winter?

For me, I feel it in my body. I move from experiencing tons of energy in my body, to wanting to do nothing, feeling nothing, creating nothing. As with the Magician, the way that I try (keyword here) to honor that is with my presence. It isn’t always beautiful. It hasn’t been beautiful for a lot of this month, but as I was driving to look at potential house to put an offer on in Conifer, I saw a pasture of horses. The leaves on the trees were golden fire. The horses were grazing. That was a magick that brought me immediately into pure bliss. My magick was lifted from that sweet glimpse into a beautiful scene.

The Dragonfae of Rebirth (Whole Again)

This oracle card is an invitation to go into the darkness of the self. This could be going into the underworld of shadows, bravely embracing back in what has been rejected. It could be needed rest. It could be seed time, rooting into the darkness so that growth is not only a dream, but physically possible.

This card asks you to engage with this opening, and see what is calling you in. It could be all three things, but it is important to know the whens and wheres of these invitations. It would be incredibly hard to rest, work on the shadow-self, and nurture your planted seeds all at once. There is a need for discretion so that you don’t burn out, but you burn brightly.

Ways to work with these energies

One of the most immediate ways that I would encourage working with these energies is through tracking your habits. By tracking your habits, you begin to get a deeper perspective of what is working, and what isn’t working. You can see if you are avoiding needed collaboration with the magick around. You can see if you aren’t getting the rest, food, or water you need. You can also see if the daily journal pull, meditative walk outdoors, or working on your goals is finally starting to come to fruition.

Another way to work with these cards is through body movement. Whether you are an active person, or more sedentary, getting the body in motion is a great indicator of where stagnation, tension, or resistance lies. It can also connect to you the present moment, which is what both cards ask of you.

Finally, keep a dream journal. Both of these cards speak to the light and the darkness within. Both are valid voices of what is happening on the subconscious level that needs to come to the forefront. I can think of no better way that through dreams. Dreams are the invites that come forward when the brain is in a state of unbiased receiving. Track any major dreams, connect with the symbolism, and see what is trying to be heard.


I hope that these energies open you more to your magick, both in the darkness and in the light. If you want even more check out these offerings below.

Check out the podcast of these cards by clicking here.

My METAMORPHISIS spread goes into these energies in depth. Shop it here.

Become a patron here and receive more magickal resources for these cards + an additional card for the month.

All of my social media platforms encourage a more intimate connection between us. Don’t believe me, come say hi.

Finally, subscribing to my newsletter keeps you in the loop of these discussions. Join in the footer!

Posted on Leave a comment

How to remain unbiased when reading your own cards

The cards provide beautiful invitations and considerations, and also accountability to truth.

It is true that reading your cards is one of the best ways to tune into yourself, your situation, your life to gain a deeper understanding. It is also true that the tarot can be used both creatively and analytically to engage this understanding. The tarot provides an outlook that, while scoffed at by many, can create an intimate moment of connection. All of these things are true, and yet, it is also true that reading your own cards, objectively and without bias, can pose an obstacle to an honest analysis.

I have been reading the cards for five years now, for myself, friends and family, and clients. There are still days that I have to really sit in my reading and make sure that I am not pulling a meaning out of ego, need for comfort, or an effort to assuage some deep feeling I haven’t fully worked through completely.

Over the years, I have found some tips and techniques that have helped me reach for an unbiased and honest understanding, no matter how uncomfortable or called out I may feel. I would like to make this a bit of a series, otherwise this would be a hella long blog post because your girl can write and talk about this until the cows come home.

Tip #1: Don’t keep pulling cards, clarifying or otherwise

The Wild Unknown tarot deck

This first tip comes with an asterisk. If your intuition is clearly saying that you should pull another card, honor that voice. Your intuition is paramount to any reading, and comes first. The reason that I place this tip at number is that it can be really easy to get sucked into what I call the pull-reflex (where something isn’t clear initially, or may present an edge, and another card is used to assuage the message, but it’s wrapped up in the context of clarity).

I have always said that more cards doesn’t mean a better, more clear reading. Some of the most profound readings are single cards. If you’re in a reading for yourself, pulling with a spread or intuitively, one of the most profound ways to have an unbiased reading is to the let cards chosen speak for themselves. It can feel easy when pulling the Tower or the 10 of Swords to reflexively pull another card for clarification, but that may diminish the biasness of the reading. Let the Tower talk to you. Let the cards that come forward be heard.

The reason I place this technique at number one is because it is important to get a connection with the cards that isn’t about what you want to hear. If that is what you are searching for, the tarot is not for you. Sorry, it just isn’t. Even cards like the Star, the 2 of Cups, the 4 of Wands can present an edge or challenge in reading. There are no good or bad cards. Some cards feel better than others, but that doesn’t diminish the nourishment that comes with each and every card.

Every card is of benefit, even when it feels heavy and hard to bear.

Going into the pull-reflex is honestly like fishing for compliments. It is an impulse reaction to ease the ego, or seek to gain comfort in some way. Again, if your intuition is knocking on the door, telling you to pull another card, than do so, but that presents the need to clarify if it is ego or intuition talking. This speaks to another tip that I will discuss at a later time.

The main point here is that no matter how you read, that you create a container, or a boundary around the reading. This means that your reading may go slower, may have fewer cards, or may take some time to really let the messages sink in. That is perfectly fine. I would wager that no one, myself included, always knows the deeper underbelly of a tarot analysis on every reading.

So, to sum up, the first tip that I can give you is to create a boundary so that you don’t get sucked into the pull-reflex. It is very hard, I know. However, the pull-reflex can diminish the capacity of the guidance of a card because it has been taken over by others. Let the cards pulled guide you towards creative and analytical observation and connection. Check back in for the next blog installment of tarot tips for an unbiased reading.

Posted on Leave a comment

Transcript of Glamour Magick Podcast Episode

Recently, someone reached out to me on Facebook about being able to get access to glamour magick podcast episode. I decided that I would start trying to transcribe my podcasts so that if you are have a hard time hearing, or speak a different language, or just want to read my podcast instead of listening to it, now you can. I used a company that transcribes podcast episodes. It wasn’t the best service, and because it was transcribing me talking, there are many grammatical errors. Please ignore those, while I work on getting my episodes transcribed and available to all who want or need it available in this form!


And I can feel it just being a lot drier. So I apologize. I know it is not the best to hear me taking drinks from my tea cup, but I don’t want to edit out every single time I take a sip and my throat is a little hoarse and I’m just trying to make sure that I am getting fluids in. So let’s talk glamour magic. What is glamour magic? So I’m first going to give a, just a brief definition of what my take on glamour magic is. And then I’m going to talk about how, because my mission statement and the compass that leads me through all of my creations with Tea and Tombstones is meeting both the haunted and the hallowed of life through tarot and spiritual counsel. I that’s how I introduced the podcast. It’s on the website. I’m going to talk a little bit about how glamour magic can fit into both the haunted and the hallowed and some things to maybe think about, or just some things to take note of, if you are seasoned in glamour magic, and you just want to maybe take these into consideration.


That’s great. If you’re brand new to glamour magic and what it is, then you can use these as maybe a little bit of a starting point or just a little bit of a barometer to see if it is something that is working for you. My take on glamour magic is that it is a draping and a layering to enhance your internal power or the sensations that you feel internally to be expanded and embodied and embraced externally. This does not mean that glamour magic is only makeup, fashion sex, although that is often a great way to use glamour magic because it is such an easy starting point, but that is how I see glamour magic. You may see some things a bit differently, and I do have some articles that I want to reference. One of them in particular, I want to reference because it has a spell that I actually want to try for myself.


I think the article has some good points. And then there’s another article that I will have all of these listed in the show notes so that you can see these articles. You can read them. And as always, you can form your own opinion around glamour magic and see how it works for you. So that is my definition of glamour magic, that it is a layering of resources, energies, and objects to take my internal energies, my internal sensations, my internal power, my internal expression, and bring it forth out into the physical world. Even if it’s not something that can be perhaps physically seen, even if it’s just the way I’m carrying myself, I’m carrying myself more confidently that day. And I’m feeling more confident because I have a bra on that makes, you know, my tits look great. I think then that is a form of confidence boost for me.


And I’m going to carry that confidence and that power maybe a little bit more. So that is one way, and that’s also a very surface level form of glamour magic. So I just want to point that out. But so that is how I see glamour magic. As I said, it’s just a way to bring in, receive in and layer with resources and with physical objects or with energies or with things that make us feel a certain way. And that layering and that complexity helps bring the, it helps kind of be like a crucible a little bit that it’s like bringing and whittling down these things to elevate internal energy, internal feelings, internal sensations. And this is why glamour magic, as I said, is often linked to things like makeup, fashion, clothes, shoes, because it is just such a visible way to, and it’s such a convenient way to step into glamour magic.


And that is one form of magic that has not dwindled for me. So my spiritual and magical self has been coming under a little bit of challenge or obstacle or distance with me part of, and it’s both personally and collectively that I feel this way. I feel this way. One because the state of the world right now is very, at times scary to me, it’s it makes me feel fear and afraid because the things that I care about, the things that elevate my spiritual and magical practice, but then that elevates my rituals is deeply tied to earth. And I see the earth as a living breathing body because she is when I see the state of things as they are today, it’s hard not to have my collective magical practice feel that fear feel that pain in some way, because it’s just so apparent. I mean, it’s been apparent for a long time, but I think, I think right now things just are so compounded and 2020 has been just such a shit year anyway, that it just feels like the uphill battle is never ending.


It’s just hard. I mean, it’s hard for me. I don’t know how else to describe it. It just kind of makes me feel weary. It makes me feel drained. It makes me feel afraid. And then personally, I’ve also kind of been feeling that because we, as I mentioned, in Instagram post, we were renovating the condo. So we had to be out of the condo for three weeks, which basically meant that we had to have everything packed up, moved out and away so that they could completely flip our condo. So that meant that everything that I use in my magical practice and my spell crafting in my rituals all had to be packed away. The only thing I did not pack basically was my decks, my tarot, and my Oracle decks, because I could not bring myself to put those precious tools in a box. So I just put them in my suitcase and just brought them with me when we stayed with my parents.


And now that we’re back in, grizzly and I are actively looking for a place to move to. So I’m not unpacking all of the boxes that I packed up when we left, because I don’t want to have to just repack them if we find a home. So a lot of my magical tools, my spell crafting tools, my ritual tools are all in boxes. I do have some, uh, big petrified wood pieces that I use. I have been using that as a way to kind of help connect me ancestrally to this land, to this place. And I have my decks and that’s pretty much it and rituals and glamour magic, a great way to our glamour magic is when you are in the space of spell- crafting tarot reading, uh, astrology birth charts or divination of any kind you can bring in glamour magic by using or utilizing different resources and tools to help elevate the space.


So using incense and crystals, and if you want to use some personal, a piece of clothing that is, you know, or some piece of jewelry that is important for that ritual, if you want to use candles, if you want to use music, if you want the spell to be done outside or inside, all of these things are, I would think at least a form of glamour magic, because what it’s doing is it’s changing the landscape of your physical environment, which is going to change your spell crafting. It’s going to change your ritual. It’s going to change your magical space, your magical self within that environment, because you’re, co-creating within that environment. That’s what witches do. And so I recognized that I used glamour magic a lot, and I didn’t really realize I was using glamour magic in my rituals and in my spell crafting until all of those objects were packed away.


It’s been on my mind a lot recently. And also if you are brand new to glamour magic, utilizing some of those resources in meditation or in spell crafting or in ritual are a great way to kind of see how the magic works for you and how you can make it your own, make it unique and make it something that’s really serving you. Because the key point with glamour magic is that it’s all about intention. It’s all about intentionally receiving or actively bringing in these resources, these energies, these colors, these tools, these objects, because they help elevate your space and they help elevate your energy some way it’s bringing in actively and intentionally bringing in or receiving in anything that elevates the landscape that changes the landscape in some way. And the landscape again, does not have to be just external and it doesn’t have to be just aesthetics.


We’re going to talk about that in a second, but I just want to make sure that this is coming across clearly and that this is coming across in a way that it can be used or utilized in a way that works for you. So, as I said, my, all of my resources, all of my books, all of my incense and my lovely Sage or Cedar wands, I’ve been using Cedar and pine alive, because one, I fully recognize that Sage is, well being from Colorado there is some native Sage here, but the act of using Sage as a form of cleansing clearing or elevating the space is not from my culture. So I’ve been wanting to look to more, um, other plants that I want to bring in. And Cedar Juniper, a lot of those, uh, kind of heavy tree scents are really there, they’ve been really lovely for me and just elevating my own national space.


I don’t have them right now, as I said, so I need to get some more, but because I don’t have those, I’ve been turning into my daily morning ritual a lot. I don’t do this every morning because some days I just cannot be bothered, but if I’m being honest, but most days I try to get ready for the day. Even if I don’t go anywhere, I try to get ready for the day and getting ready for me is the full shebang. It is the full thing. Like I am going to take a nice shower. I’m going to put on a full face of makeup. And I am going to pick out an outfit that I feel is awesome and banging and everything I want it to be that day and I’m going to do my hair, and I am going to go through all of that, because that is part of my clever magic practice.


That is part of my morning ritual on the days that I do it. And so it’s really about, again, me changing the landscape of my own body in a way that makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel centered. It makes me feel rooted into myself because in that hour and a half between shower to when I’m fully done that hour and a half is pure sacred, it is absolutely sacred. And that is the reason why I do it as often as I can. And I actively take time and make time to put it into my day. I could have an extra hour of sleep or I could have an extra hour of reading my book or working on this thing for my business, but I choose to get in the shower. I choose to put on a podcast when I get out and I have that warm cup of coffee, and then I just start getting ready for the day.


And I am just fully in the present moment. I’m not thinking about really anything beyond, you know, what colors do I want to use? What outfits do I want to wear? Like, I am just fully in that space of creative play. It’s so valuable to me it’s so valuable because it has no consequence on anything. And that’s kind of the point is that it is simply for me, but yet in doing that for myself, I feel more confident. I just feel better. I feel a little bit more energized to complete the tasks that I need to get done for that day. And also just really, again, it really calms me. It’s like a form of therapy. It is a way for me to feel more grounded into myself, more rooted and self planted into my present moment, into my day, because it is something that I love to do.


And there’s no other reason. There’s no other purpose for it. As I said, I define glamour magic as actively receiving or intentionally bringing in anything to change the internal or external landscape and then to expand on that or to layer that, glamour magic, I think can be used to claim yourself sovereign. Or as I like to say, claim yourself, unicorn. What I mean when I say this is that like unicorns, who are these magical, beautiful transcendent, unearthly creatures that are at the same time, so connected to the earth. So to wherever magic can help us get into this space of complete and wild reclamation. Through glamour magic we can reclaim ourselves step into our truth and claim the way that we are both seen and see the world as it is. And as we want it to be, and also like unicorns, we can also use glamour magic as a way to at times invoke a reaction.


So for instance, one of the ways that I use glamour magic long time ago, I did not recognize that I guess using it this way was it was either 2005 or 2006. It was right as I was leaving high school, I cut my hair very, very short and I used to have hair that was average length. And I did it as a way to claim it myself wild against the standard narratives of beauty, that you can only be a beautiful woman with long hair. And obviously that’s not true. I was so tired of seeing this portrayal of beauty, seeing this betrayal of beauty and transcendence in a way that was very, very limiting. And so I chose to cut off all my hair because that was a way that I could claim myself and claim myself sovereign claim myself unicorn and allow that wild reclamation be how I wanted to be seen in this world.


So sometimes glamour magic can be used to invoke a reaction. This is where some times you see sex magic and glamour magic intersect because using sex magic or using glamour magic in relation to sex magic can be to invoke a reaction, which obviously is to invoke a reaction in terms of libido So glamour magic can be used to invoke a reaction, good or bad. It can be used as a form of expression, a way to express a belief system. Like I said, I don’t believe that only long-haired girls were pretty. Glamour magic can also be used to conceal something. In fact, concealing something is where we see the foundation and the roots and the tradition of glamour magic, often. In this article that I will have linked in the show notes. It is from a hellogiggles.com fashion witch, Gabriela


Herstik tells us how to incorporate magic into our beauty routines. And she is talking about how she uses glamour magic daily with intention. She claimed her power and stepped into her beautiful and sovereign self in space. But she mentioned that glamour magic in regards to folklore is when a fairy baby would be switched with a human baby. They would cast a glamour upon the fairy babyso that it would look like the human baby and the parents would not know, and this was called a changeling. There’s a really great movie called the change language, Angelina Jolie. That’s really fascinating. And it kind of goes into this narrative of how sometimes visuals are a way of distraction are a way of concealing, something that is harmful or wrong. It’s a great movie. I suggest you watch it. But, beyond folklore and into the space you’re in now.


And at least the way I see glamour magic in terms of concealing something, is that it can be used to conceal anything someone doesn’t want shared, visible, or known. Sometimes this could just be an energy. Sometimes this could be an experience, a feeling. This could also be something physical. And in this way, glamour magic can also be used in relation with other spells or other rituals, such as boundary spells or protective spells. And this is a great way to use glamour magic as a way to heighten other spells that you’re doing. So if you are wondering if glamour magic is right for you, if you’ve never really used glamour magic before, I recommend trying it, well and trying it in any way that you see fit. But if you are working with any sort of protective or boundary spell, stepping into that kind of ritual, I really recommend using glamour spells as a way to enhance that other spell that protection or boundary spell, because grammar magic can be used to conceal that and it can layer the complexities and the nuance of any other form of your magical practice. Tattoos are another form of glamour magic, because we are the living altars of our spiritual path.


We are those living alters. Our body is the messenger for our spiritual self into and out of all things. So it’s, it’s lovely and tattoos are a great way to adorn that living altar, which is our bodies. If you choose a lot of times, people want to get tattoos to conceal some ex-boyfriend’s name or some ex-girlfriend’s name, or they want to use tattoos to conceal, um, maybe like scars, to transform the landscape from what was this place of hardship and challenge and turn it into something beautiful, and so transcendent and it’s lovely. Sometimes glamour magic can simply be used to reveal something powerful to consciously manipulate and reveal the internal energy externally. I want to go in now to how glamour magic meets the haunted and the hallowed, the haunted and the hallowed, is the internal or external spectrum of all things. Sometimes that hallowed ground often has those tombstone moments or those haunted moments.


And that could be what makes the ground hallowed. That could be what makes this situation sacred. So the haunted and the hallowed is really just the energetic spectrum of all things, in my opinion. So glamour magic can be, as with everything, on that spectrum. When it’s standing on hallowed ground, when it’s in that place of pure sacred awakening, I should say pure sacred awakening or pure sacred expression. Glamour magic is literally draping yourself in these multitude of layers that make you everything that you are. Glamour magic is literally layering yourself and the complexities of yourself and inviting in and actively intentionally bringing in everything that elevates your personal landscape. When you are in that pure space of sacred expression in glamour magic is a part of that, that is full hallowed ground. However, the haunted part is when glamour magic is used to control or manipulate others and to usurp their free will. Under no circumstances, should we be using glamour magic to force someone to do what we want them to do.


This is also different than hexes, bindings and curses. I just want to point that out and get that out of the way, because that is a whole other topic, but I would never use glamour magic as a way to make someone else do what I want them to do, because that shit can backfire so fast. It’s like doing a love spell. I would personally never do a love spell because I don’t want to be responsible for the fallout of the spell that I do. My glamour magic is purely for me too, it is purely for me to express and be in landscape expansion of myself and to feel into, and embrace and accept and empower myself. Glamour magic can


Step easily into this, into the haunted space, into the tombstone space, into the space that is not serving us. When we use glamour magic to completely override someone else’s free well, or to hurt them or to use them to take advantage of them. That’s not, that’s not okay. So what are some ways that we can use glamour magic? There’s the obvious, like I said, makeup, clothes, shoes, bags, and designer labels, or social media or pop culture, or popularity can really influence glamour magic into a space of leaning, I would say more towards the haunted than the hallowed. So for instance, going back to the statement, there’s only one way to be beautiful. If you want to look like one of the supermodels, you see, let’s just say like the Jenners or the Kardashians, because they’re such a big family. Now, if you truly want to look that way, and that is in your heart of hearts, and then it’s your truth.


That is beautiful and gorgeous. And I encourage you in all ways to use your glamour magic, to influence and to elevate your landscape, to match that vision you have of it. If you feel that you need to look like that because they are successful, they have a lot of money, people know their names. That is where glamour magic can go out of control, in my opinion, because you’re actively seeking to change your landscape based on what an external source or an external presence or an external pressure is telling you to do. So there is also a very big difference between internal truth and external pressure. Do not feel pressured in any way to look a certain way, have a certain type of aesthetic to have a certain type of bag or shoes or clothes. If you want them, if you truly want them then again, awesome, beautiful, great.


Go and buy them and love them and cherish them. But if you feel that you need to have designer labels or a certain haircut or a certain type of look, because that’s what you see on TV and it doesn’t match your internal truth, then don’t do it. I think glamour magic is one form where we can often see external pressures because, well, let me back up. When we think of our magical selves or spirituals selves, we think of that as being our sovereign place, and it is and it should be. That is the place that no one else can touch unless we let them, no one else can influence you to change your beliefs, to change your opinions unless you choose to do so. And so glamour magic is a part of that. That, and it should be a part of that because it is a part of your magical and spiritual self it’s part of your ritual.


It’s a part of your craft and it should be sovereign. So again, if your sovereign truth matches up with what you see in Instagram, in pop culture, and it’s seen as like what’s trendy then absolutely. But if it’s not within your truth, then that is where glamour magic can stray into the haunted because you were letting external pressure strip you of your sovereignty, strip you of your sovereign truth and conform it to a way that’s easily acceptable. And that is not what glamour magic is about. Glamour magic is about owning and honoring and embracing the power that you have as a unique and sovereign being, because that is fucking beautiful. And however, that looks however extra, that is however, not extra that it, however, that is, it’s beautiful because it’s your, so when we look to glamour magic, it’s really important to make sure that we are coming from a place of autonomy, and self-governance because we don’t want to let those external pressures make us feel like we have to spend money, look a certain way, act a certain way, or be a certain way. This is also leading into a conversation that I would just love to have on the podcast as well, about how can we be sovereign in our magical selves when you’re constantly being sold to, and glamour magic fits beautifully into that, but it leads so much more into other pieces as well. Then I obviously won’t get into, but I just want to make the point that glamour magic is about expressing your sovereign truth. It’s about expressing your landscape. Your landscape is different from everybody else’s because it is yours in glamour magic can be used in all sorts of ways. We’re going to be saying a lot of clever magic with Halloween coming up.


Costumes are excellent form of glamour magic because it totally allows you to step into a character, whatever that character is, and feel into that sensational shift. When you put that costume on, it’s like an, it’s like an armor in a way it’s, it truly is like an energy change. It’s like an energy upload of whatever character or whatever costume you have, and it doesn’t have to be Halloween. That’s just obviously what’s coming up. So Halloween is a great time to step into glamour magic. If that’s the only time of the year, you want to step into intentional glamour magic, that’s great. I invite you if you, are going to go out and if you are going to be in customer, if you’re just going to be in costume and hand out candy, even, when you put your costume on, just take a moment just to see how the energy shifts with you. Take a moment to kind of see and feel into the sensation of that costume and feel it to the sensation of yourself wearing that costume. And I can almost guarantee you, I would bet dollars to donuts that you would, that you’re going to feel an energetic shift and energetic upload of whatever costume you wear. So other ways to use glamour magic, if you do not want to use makeup is just to invite in color theory.


If you want to decorate your house, or maybe you want to plant some flowers and you kind of want to bring in color theory, maybe to make it more peaceful or to make it match a certain energy on a certain vibe that you want. You can use color theory in that way. And that’s a form of glamour magic because again you’re elevating the landscape of something. So if it’s your home, you’re elevating the landscape of your home by what you intentionally bring into it. Another form of glamour magic, and this is one that I reject a little bit. It kind of goes back to color theory a little bit, but you see this even in ways that you may not have ever known that layer of magic was being used in it. If you’re not using it intentionally, I wouldn’t call it glamour magic, but I see it as a form of glamour magic and that is


dressing up for an interview. I don’t know if you were ever told, but I was told when I go to an interview to wear neutral- toned clothes, so wear beige and tan, black, white, maybe that was pretty much it because neutrals will allow the boss or the person doing the interview. They’re going to get a neutral effects from your outfit. And so they’re going to be focused on what you have to say in the interview. They’re going to be focused on your questions. If you wear something bright and bold, they may not be focused on you. I think if they can’t focus on you and they’re focused on an article of clothing, then maybe they shouldn’t be doing the interview, but that’s just me. But that is a form of glamour magic that you dress a certain way to reap a benefit or again, to invoke a reaction or to step into an expression of power.


Also go into belief systems, just believing that you are a sovereign, beautiful being is going to elevate your magic. I fully believe glamour magic is, is going to help you take control of some energies that are within your control. This can also be again, as all things can be both on the haunted and the hallowed, so when I step into my morning ritual of getting ready, and I am doing my whole shebang, that is me taking control of my day. That is me saying, I am worth the time to do this because I want to do it. If I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t. And that can also though go to that sense of control can go again towards the haunted end of the spectrum. You see this in things like, again, like using it to manipulate someone’s force of will. Another way that we can see glamour magic go wrong is in just out of control, obsessive vanity.


I would like to make clear that when I say obsessive vanity, I don’t mean it with any sort of judgment or stigma attached. I am not using that term or referencing that term with the intention to again, limit the narrative or the conception of beauty into one limited narrow path. I believe everyone should be able to look and feel and express themselves internally and externally. However, their truth leads them to. What I’m talking about. When I say obsessive, what my point is is when we place looks and aesthetics above everything else as significant or important. When we base the entirety of our importance on looks or aesthetics, we’re limiting ourselves to one narrow path, one narrow narrative of what it means to be worth or of value live your extra life. Do whatever you feel you need or want to you that is in alignment with your truth.


But I would at least invite, suggest,, or encourage and hope that however, extra you are, however you lead yourself or express yourself internally and externally that you’re doing it from that place of truth and not placing aesthetics and looks has the foundation or pinnacle of all your worth, because that is obviously not true. You are worth so much more. You are more valuable than just how you look or how you’re perceived in this world. I’m saying that obsessive vanity is a place where we feel that we have to be beautiful. We have to subscribe to this version or this narrative of aesthetics and looks, because that’s how we will be perceived as worthy as important or as the only way to step into our power. And honestly, that is not the only way to express our power to embody our power. There are so many other ways that glamour magic is merely one of them.


And so I just, I would like to make that point clear. Glamour magic can turn into the haunteded can step into that haunted space. When we place glamour magic or place the outcome of glamour magic above every other way of claiming ourselves. When we put it in parts of every other form or power or we reduce our power to nothing but glamour magic, we can even see this in trends. We can see glamour magic being used through social media, pop culture, and what’s popular, and what’s trendy to the extent of appropriation YouTube. I used to watch, you know, different like beauty gurus on YouTube, and I have stopped that because the beauty community is just so toxic inmy opinion, not all of them are toxic, but just the community as a whole is a toxic place. There used to be this trend going around.


That was just so dumb when people would be color correcting using different colors like green or blue or yellow or lavender to color correct their face, and then you blend them out with like a brush or a beauty blender or a sponge because you’re trying to correct any colors or blemishes or imperfections within your skin. Well, it started turning a very normal standard beauty practice of color, correcting morphed into just pure appropriation because people started to try to do like really elaborate looks with their color correctors, and you can like see this, you can like go on YouTube and find this where they would want their color corrector to have a look before they blended it out. And it often straight into makeup gurus using their color correctors to basically paint indigenous face paint on them. That’s pure appropriation. It goes back to intention.


Also, I think very important to come back to truth, and sometimes that can be a historical or cultural truth. When we bring something in intentionally, we want to make sure that we are not overstepping overreaching, especially those of us with privilege. Cis-gender white people want to make sure that we are not stepping over and on the representation or undermining the representation of someone else to fulfill our own glamour magic.

Posted on Leave a comment

Challenges with the Page of Wands reversed

I am one of those tarot readers that rejects the idea of reversals meaning bad, no, or anything opposite of joy. In fact, some of my best tarot medicine has come from reversals, reminding me to tune into the subtle vibrations within me to elevate my heart and my spirit. However, I had an experience pulling a tarot card the other day that has not left me alone. When that happens, I know I need to give it a bigger and broader voice to let these messages be of service.

I have been slowly rebuilding my routine of pulling a tarot card every day. Actually, right now it is about every day, but what is one or two more days, right? I sat out in the suddenly chilly Colorado air Saturday morning, and pulling a card over, I asked for guidance. I pulled the Page of Wands reversed. Immediately, I felt a tightening and gripping sensation with this card. My intuitive way of confronting the challenge.

Tarot is NOT all rainbows and butterflies, and any tarot reader who tells you that is selling you a bill of goods. I am sorry, but it’s true. Tarot can be incredibly challenging, and also incredibly healing. With tarot, you are getting all the energies that come with the cards. Some days that energy is beautiful and radiant. Other days, it is a struggle to meet the energy on solid ground.

That is how I felt pulling the Page of Wands reversed. So, in the spirit of meeting this energy with grace and love and honesty, let’s dive into what challenges can come from the Page of Wands. First, a quick reminder about this card. The Page of Wands is the dreamer and initiator of spirit movement. The Page of Wands is the one who calls into being the outline and calling of spirit manifestation that the Son will then move and shake and stir into action. There is also the elements to consider.

These two elements come from the elemental association of the card, and the Court Title of Page. The wands represent fire. The Pages (as their own identity) represent Earth. These two energies stand at polar opposites in many ways, mostly in movement. Earth growth is often shockingly slow, with some exceptions. Fire growth burns hot and quick and it feeds. This means that the fire energy within wants to move, but the earth energy needs time to stir and dwell and hold.

Passion and growth are not on the same time table: My passion for tarot is a ferocious fire that will never go out. However, growing into this process is like the growth of a tree. It is happening, but it is hard to see or feel it in the moment sometimes. If there is something that you are passionate about, and you feel it so deeply in your bones that it almost hurts, but it is slow to rise towards the vision you hold within, that is Page of Wands energy in its shadow form.

One of the reasons that these two energies are so opposite of each other is that both passion and growth work with visions and dreams and wants. Passion sees everything through rose-colored glasses, while growth is met by the ego, who wants everything to be kept safe and comfortable and understandable. Growth needs time to stop, pause, reconsider, and thrive. Passion wants everything to unfold beautifully, organically, passionately.

This can be a huge challenge for the ego. It can be hard to remind ourselves that growth is happening, especially when it seems like it happens so quick for other people. Sometimes it does, and that is just the luck of the draw. Other times, it is important remember how you are seeing someone else’s growth. Are you seeing it through the lens of social media or a website, or are you seeing the real and raw energy that comes with growth?

When the pages are in their shadow element, and the dreams and visions become cloudy, it can be hard to keep your head above the metaphorical water. It can be hard to see the forest for the trees. It can be hard to hold the burning desires of the wand’s fire, while moving with the vibrations and rhythms of the earth. If this resonates with you at all, I invite you to take time to see where your passion can be directed, mindfully. Where can you place some energy so that it feels like you are merging these two elemental spaces?

One of the best ways I know, is that when I deeply feel the passion of the wands, but my growth is that of a tree, I tend to my physical space. I tend to my body. Movement, exercise, food, and tending are all beautiful ways to give your passion purpose. Move your passion back into alignment by redirecting it. Also, take a look at where you are putting your energy. Are you getting caught in the scroll-hole of comparisons? Are you getting caught up in drama because it’s exciting? See where your passion may be meeting forces that could compromise it.

Finally, remember that patience will allow this energy to pass. Practice patience and stillness. The Page of Wands never wants to be still. By practicing even a little bit of mindful slowing, you may be surprised how the pace that many people set for themselves is based more on output and expectation that need and control require. I wish you many blessings. If you would still like some help setting this space into alignment, consider my spiritual wellness coaching sessions. At $40 for an hour, we will look at how to use these confrontations and contractions towards your purpose and higher alignment.

Much Love!

Posted on Leave a comment

How to Create the Perfect Tarot Spread

Write the spread that guides you home…

If you read tarot cards, chances are you know about the classic spreads. These are the spreads like the Celtic Cross, the Horseshoe Spread, Past / Present/ Future, and so on. These are the spreads that have stood the test of time. They are iconic because they are bring in and cover such a broad base of messages. When I first started reading tarot, I turned to these spreads, and any others that accompanied the beautiful books of my teachings. I felt these spreads would last with me through my whole tarot journey.

And, that hasn’t been entirely incorrect. Every now and again I will turn to one of these tried-and-trues, but to be honest, once I got a handle on how I read tarot, and what I want the messages in the cards to offer me, I stopped relying on most of these well-known spreads. The main reason is that I like spreads with a little more direction. To me, the Celtic Cross started to move me in circles. Like I was driving to a new location that I have never to before. I know the zip code. I know the general location I am in, but the side streets and landmarks are not leading me anywhere helpful.

I started to write my own spreads. It may seem easy to write a tarot spread, and there are days where the needed messages just come flowing forth, from somewhere within me that I cannot name, only feel. Other days, I feel like I am on the right track, but still getting nowhere. So, if you want to write the perfect tarot spreads for yourself, or for your business, keep reading!

Tarot lets you explore your reality, your possibilities, your elusiveness. What do you want your cards to say?

To make it easy, there are three key things that I feel should be considered when writing a tarot spread, so that it includes everything to make your tarot experience beautiful and empowering….

Those three key things are:

  • Knowing the insight or clarity you / your client’s need from the reading
  • Knowing what is reasonable (within your ability to ask)
  • Being mindful of receiving the whole truth

Let’s begin with needed insight or clarity. It is vital to understand and be able to articulate what is being asked of this spread. For a spread like the past, present, future, the insight being gained is an understanding of what has passed, what is coming in, and what is within the present moment. If the spread is stop, start, continue, the spread is giving insight into actions that help or hinder.

So, in writing your spread ask what and where you need insight. Do you want your spread more general or specific? Do you want options or choices in your spread, or are you open to receiving concrete messages from your cards? Are you looking for a more spiritual or a more psychological approach, or do you want both covered in your spread? Your spread can include anything you want, as long as it includes the second part of the key themes.

A great way to gain full clarity of what you need from your spread is to do a freewrite journal exercise. Write down whatever you are feeling, thinking, experiencing, or considering. Just write. After you feel you have written down everything that honors and captures your point of view or your needs, put it aside for a day. Let the words sit for a moment. Return to your writing and highlight what you feel the key words or key themes are within your words. These highlighted passages are the bare bones of what you can explore in your spread.

Use journaling as a way to see what themes, feelings, or thoughts keep coming up. This could become the structure of your spread.

Once you have decided what you need your spread to speak to, it is time to move on to the second key theme: what is reasonable to ask of the cards. This theme is open to interpretation, as everyone has a different style of reading. Your style of reading will dictate and determine what is reasonable to ask. For example: my way of reading is intuitive, but not predictive. Therefore, while I have spreads that speak to possible outcomes, I do not in any way instruct or inform my clients that a certain circumstance or series of events will unfold. If you read from a purely spiritual point of view, your spread positions will speak to spirituality.

Once you know your reading style, consider what is reasonable to ask the spread. It is reasonable for you to ask about 3rd party readings? Is it reasonable to ask about financial matters or health issues? Only you can answer what is right for you and your reading style. Once you have decided what is reasonable, your spread will reflect that truth. If you find it reasonable to read for others, include in your spread questions that speak to this. If you feel it unreasonable, keep all questions in relation to you, or whomever is the seeker.

After you have decided what is reasonable, or unreasonable to ascertain from your spread, we move on to the final key theme: honesty, brutal honesty. If we think about it a tarot spread as a dinner plate, the insight and clarity is the main course. It is what is going to probably benefit you the most because you are getting to the bedrock to what has been elusive. The ability to discern what is reasonable to ask is the side dish, which makes honesty the bill.

A needed exchange…

The bill (brutal honesty) is the exchange so you can have this glorious plate of energetic beauty. It is needed, but it may be hard at times to recognize that this exchange is paramount. Just as you could not have a lovely dinner at a restaraunt with paying the bill, you cannot have a truly profound spread that is of service unless there is an exchange. In all tarot spreads it is useful to have specific position that highlight the positives, the love and light if you will. These positions can include: strengths, resources, gifts and offerings to the world, lasting energy, and more. These positions are beautiful, and can highlight the beautiful nature of your / your client’s unique self.

However, it is also important to be willing to have a thorough exchange with the card and include positions that speak to the shadows. These can include: fears, weaknesses, obstacles, things to change, things to let go, and more. It is important to include spread positions like this because your tarot cards are your ally, and the spread is the conversation it is having with you / your client. It is important to go into not just the love and light, but also the shadows and the blockages, because that is how we grow. We don’t grow within the comfortable, we grow with the full spaciousness of possibility, which needs to include that which we may not want to hear.

Obviously, these three focuses are, in my opinion, needed to create a badass tarot spread. You may have a different take, and that is totally fine. You need to find what works for you. If willing, I invite you to utilize these focuses while writing your own tarot spreads. They have never led me astray, and I am confident it will be of service for you as well.

**One side note that I wanted to mention was writing a spread with a specific deck in mind. All tarot / oracle decks can be of service no matter the reading (unless there is an energetic block that has nothing to do with the spread), but sometimes it might be useful to write a spread with the focus through one certain deck. I love using my Mystical Dream Tarot deck for a more psychological, symbolic feel. If I want tangible and of this earth, the Herbcrafter’s Tarot has been it for me. For all things relating to spirit and wild reclamation, The Wild Unknown decks have never done me wrong. Again, all decks can be interchanged, no matter the spread, but if you are really struggling, or really wanting to connect to a certain deck, try writing a spread specifically for the artwork and themes of one particular deck.**

Many Blessings XOXOXO

Ashlie

Posted on Leave a comment

Archetypes

One of the decks that I have chosen to work with for the monthly cards is the new Archetypes deck from The Wild Unknown. I love this deck (and will be posting a detailed review for you to see this deck in depth), but to be clear, a tarot deck is filled with archetypes. An oracle deck is filled with archetypes. The whole world is filled with archetypes. You do not need this specific deck in order to work with archetypes. Like Kim Krans says in the guidebook, there is no one creator of archetypes.

This deck is one of the most beautiful decks I possess. If you want to work with an Archetypes deck, I cannot recommend this one enough.

Archetypes are created for and by the collective; that is precisely what makes them an archetype. This deck merely includes the archetypes that Kim Krans felt most connected to in her artistic rendering. The reason that I chose, and want to work with, this deck for the entire year of 2020 is because archetypes are meant to be opened, shared, understood, and integrated. However, as we begin to open the door to the Desert (the archetype for January) it is important to know and understand what exactly an archetype is.

http://www.dictionary.com defines archetypes as:

the original pattern or model from which all things of the same kind are copied or on
which they are based; a model or first form; prototype.

(in Jungian psychology) a collectively inherited unconscious idea, pattern of thought,
image, etc., universally present in individual psyches.


This means that each archetype once started as on original form of itself and took on an identity that transcends the form. Archetypes are steeped in the psyche of the collective, across culture, location, or time. This means that archetypes are therefore steeped in the individual’s psyche as well. Archetypes can take on various layers of form or understanding, but the core identity of the archetype remains the same.


For instance, if I asked you to draw an image in your mind of a witch, what form does it take for you? If I were to mention a female deer, do you see the doe as a victim of the hunt, or as a radiant earth-mother? Both themes exist with the archetype of the doe. The hunt and persecution of a female deer (Bambi anyone?) can then unfold to other archetypes. The gun is often an archetype for male domination and sex (Freud is the most well-known for attributing these phallic archetypes to the idea of male regeneration and women with penis envy). The archetype of the orphan comes in when the Bambi’s mother has been shot down because Bambi is now left alone in this now cruel world.

There is often an overt sexual tone to the archetype of the hunt as well. The pursuer and the pursued match each other in raw visceral energy, opening the door to both themes of violence and sex. I recommend reading the poem Pursuit by Sylvia Plath (a poem written right after she met her future husband, the daunting, charismatic, and unfaithful Ted Hughes) to see how the archetype of the hunt mirrors both themes of violence and sex, predatory
and prey.

I have seen readers post their opinion of Pursuit as one of the most erotic poems Plath has ever written. I would agree with this statement, even though the erotic nature of this poem also exposes a masochistic, shadowed side of eroticism.


Archetypes create the way for more archetypes. The archetype of the temple gives way to the archetypes of prayer, candle, healer. The archetype of the ruler brings up the archetype of the crown, the throne, the castle. What this means is that archetypes are fluid, born of the collective perception, but understood through symbols, images and stories. Archetypes arise from the psyche in a way that can show a connection of understanding to the collective narrative. This connection often anchors and comforts us, because it gives us an outline that we can
identify within ourselves.

Do you, or do you know people who like to see which Disney, Star Wars, or Superhero character they get on a Facebook quiz? Those are archetypes. They may not be the most accurate, more based on algorithms that honest answers, but it can be comforting to know that your answers reveal an archetype that speaks to you. In fact, while doing some research for this blog post I came across the Jungian Archetype test. You can take it by clicking here.


Another article that really helps to showcase how influencing archetypes are is here. In this article, Jeffrey states that archetypes are patterns of behavior. Archetypes arise during certain situations depending upon predispositions, attitudes, and even perhaps nature versus nurture. These archetypes can, again, be broken down, into smaller categories or other archetypes to explain the complex and multifaceted nature of the
human experience or human psyche.


In looking at the archetype of the Desert, we can immediately pull on other archetypes to create a deeper understanding. For me, the Sun (another magnanimous archetype) is present. Many depictions of the Desert also show cacti or even the iconic bull skull. This archetype is one of harsh and fierce, but beautiful energy. The Desert is an archetype that speaks to survival and death. It also speaks to being lost, exposed, and lacking in some way.
I have gone in depth to the Desert in my zine which you can access by clicking here.


There is way to much to say about archetypes to be fully contained into one blog post. I would like to end here by saying that archetypes, however you hold to them or not, is something to be open too. Look to where the Desert, or other archetypes, are opening for you. Look to where archetypes are speaking to you, to an idea, or a pattern of behavior and see how the archetype resonates with you. Working with archetypes can be incredibly challenging, highly revealing, or sometimes comical and fun.

Posted on Leave a comment

The Law of Creation

Law 2: The Law of Creation

The second karmic law is the Law of Creation. This law states that life does not merely happen by chance or coincidence. Life is formed in the forges of ourselves; we are the creators. This means that as creators for our own lives, it is imperative that we hold to our truth, and honor that which makes each of us who we are. If you hide your truth or refuse to be an active participant in the daily makings of your own life, it can be of no surprise then, when your life does not hold the glittering riches of what you value.

One of the things that is important to be an active creator of your life, is to be present and aware of what is around you. Why? Because what is around you can be a direct message about your internal self. If your external world, and the way it moves and flows daily is peaceful (for the most part), inclusive (of yourself and others), creative (sacred expression), your internal self probably feels secure and sound. If your external world moves and flows daily from a place of fear, anger, or isolation, your internal world probably feels like a struggle or energy drain.

Photo by Gratisography on Pexels

The Law of Creation, with each person as the creator, means that if your world and external self are not in alignment with your higher potential, your internal self is most likely out of alignment with your truth. When or if this happens, look to what is within you that needs to be present and seen. Look to what your truth is, and that which you seek. If you look for answers and solutions outside yourself, your internal self is constantly left to adapt to themes, ideas, and situations that are not in alignment with your core.

5 of Pentacles from the Ostara Tarot

I think this sentiment applies nicely to the 5 of Pentacles, the tarot card of the month. This image shows a girl standing outside of a cathedral, and she is clearly destitute at the moment. Her wrap is in rags, her skin is exposed, and the night is bleak and snowy. With her is a snake, wrapped around her closely. Together they attempt to move and protect themselves from the elements. What she does not realize is that right next to her, shining through the cathedral window, is a stained-glass portrait of a snake wrapped around a tree of five pentacles.

If she would just turn and look at the light shining and the portrait on the stained-glass window, she would realize that she is where she needs to be to heal and be whole again. She would realize she is welcome beyond the doors of her current situation. Only she can make the choice to look and see that world is giving her an opportunity to regroup and grow through her personal truth. She is being given an opportunity by the universe to seek that which is seeking her, and to be part of the oneness of life.

The Law of Creation, since it applies to each person, means that you connecting to your life, forged from your own daily creation, means that when you meet another person, animal, or personified spirit, you are connecting to the oneness of the universe. Your life creation is a creation of energy. This energy is elevated through choice to be part of the wholesome universe as one energetic force.

There are certain things that are obvious outliers for the Law of Creation (in my humble opinion). Freak accidents happen. Bad things happen to good people. Life is often a painful experience. What is not an outlier that you, and each person, create your life through your choices, actions, relationships, intentions, spirit, and so much more. When looking to use the Law of Creation to connect more deeply to the oneness of yourself and beyond, look to the current energy within and around you. Ask yourself if you are happy. Ask yourself if you are okay. Ask the universe to help reveal the opportunity you need to grow, and then look up and choose…….

Posted on Leave a comment

Breakdown of the 12 Karmic Laws – The Great Law, The Law of Cause and Effect

We all know about the understood universal energy of Karma, even making memes and jokes that Karma is a bigger bitch than any of us ever could be (and there may be some actual truth to that statement). I have been thinking a lot about karma ever since the beginning of August. The Phoenix reversed is sending a message that it is time to really look at the karmic cycles we moving through, and the ones we are stagnant in. August is presenting an opportunity for each of us to really look at what in our actions, choices, or surroundings is holding us back from ascending on our hierarchical ladder of self.

The Phoenix is an invitation to provide for yourself and rise past Root Chakra

There are 12 Karmic Laws, and I want to devote a blog post to each of them. There is to much to say about each law for one post. So, we will start with the first law: The Great Law, also known as the Law of Cause and Effect. This is perhaps the most well-known law. This law basically means what is says. The energy you put out into the universe (including sub and unconscious energy) comes back to you.

Because of cause and effect, because the energy includes sub and unconscious energy, this law is often defined and perceived as a message of: if you are positive, positivity comes back you. If you are negative, negativity comes back to you. I respectfully disagree with this statement. Yes, there is something to be said about constantly looking at the world through a dark lens. There is something to be said about those people who constantly choose to exist in the darkness, and never wish to be honest about themselves so they can move into the light. We all know someone like this, and they are perpetuating a karmic cycle because they keep choosing a dark path, and then complain there is no light.

Where I take issue with this blanket statement of positive versus negative is 3-fold

1.) The Universe does not work or flow in only black or white: The Universe, the collective unconscious, Goddess and Gods do not exist in a state of either good or bad. There are layers of perception, action, emotion, and process. Sometimes the hardest things to do are scary to us. Sometimes the worst things for us, about us, are easy. Cause and Consequence is not a simple singularity that keeps a tally of every positive or negative aspect of ourselves. Cause and effect is more based in patterns, and a willingness to try and be courageous for change.

2.) It is impossible to be positive all the time: There is no way that we can have only good days, hold only good vibes. Why? Because that is not normal. If you can have a good day and have only good vibes during tragedy, that is not living and feeling into the dynamics of expression and emotion. Loss, death, heartbreak, rejection, insults, grief and more are going to bring out negativity, and that’s okay. It means you are human. The patterns come in how you handle it, and how you choose to let it define you.

3.) I believe it comes down to where this energy resides on your inner spectrum: Simply put, the life experience is going to move us on the spectrum with each day. It is going to move us further towards love, or further towards fear. I believe this is where the karmic cycle takes root. You can have a negative emotion, but still come from a place of love. You can keep perpetuating a smile to avoid having to deal with deep fear or sadness. In the end, I believe karma comes down to where the life experience consistently moves you on the spectrum.

Posted on Leave a comment

Know Your Limits: All About health

One of the biggest blessings in my life has been the blessing of health. I have been blessed with a healthy body and very few major health issues in my 31 years. For this I am incredibly grateful. The worst health issue I have had to deal with was a kidney stone. It was the worst pain of my life. Ever. What was worse was that I knew I needed medical attention, and I was alone. My family was on the other side of town, and I could not wait for them to get to me and then take me to the hospital.

So I drove my car to the nearest Urgent Care that took my insurance in Colorado rush hour traffic. I was in so much pain that I wasn’t sure if I would pass out. I called Grizzly and asked him to just stay on the phone with me. I would tell him the exits I passed so he knew where I was on the road at all times. It was so bad that I almost pulled over and called an ambulance. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I cannot afford that kind of car ride. I knew if I did call an ambulance I would be looking at an immediate price in the thousands of dollars. I did not have that kind of money, so I drove on.

Other than that horrifying incident, my health has been quite good, which admittedly is something I take for granted. Other than slight allergies or the common cold, the last few years have been incredibly good to me. Even my healing process from getting my wisdom teeth out at the late age of 31 went so well that I was barely swollen, the holes closed quickly, and I wasn’t ever really in bad pain.

However, the last week has been a recall on all that bright, healthy energy that I have taken for granted day after day. It first started with chest pain, nothing major but enough to feel it. I assumed that it was due to poor posture (I slouch a lot. I also hug my shoulders close to my neck a lot, something I didn’t realize I did until I started following Adriene Mishler’s yoga videos on Youtube). I kept going with my lifestyle, living off of hummus and snap peas, yogurt and granola, finding time to cook a few meals during the week. I wasn’t drinking enough water, and stress in many areas of my life has been higher lately.

The pain consisted, but I ignored it. I assumed that my body would take care of it, let me recover without taking any part in the healing process. The pain slowly morphed into a lump in my throat (like when you swallow a pill that doesn’t immediately go down). I kept swallowing and swallowing to see if something was stuck, but the annoying feeling persisted for so long that I knew it wasn’t food or a pill. There was now tightness in the chest, a lump in my throat, and then the worst of it came…..

Yesterday I was sitting at home with Grizzly, looking forward to a slow day of movies and nachos. I was ready to do nothing but relax and enjoy my lazy, Sunday haze. In the late afternoon, I was silently screaming in my body. I was so annoyed and anxious about my health that my body was tensing. I felt jittery and unable to sit still. Worse still, I started to slowly feel like I was losing my breath. I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs, and when I focused on my breathing I kept feeling the grasping strain of trying to get more air in. I ended up calling my mom who had earlier in my life dealt with some similar things. Everything sounded similar to her situation: acid reflux and heartburn.

I did not know that heartburn could feel as serious as it did, and still does. I was almost in shock. Dragging myself up and into pants, Grizzly drove us to the store so I could buy some medication. The whole time I just tried to quiet my mind, but it wasn’t helping and I was starting to get scared. With the medicine purchased, on the way home I was trying again to just calm the fuck down. In my attempts I also broke down in tears. I started quietly apologizing to my body, apologizing for almost a whole lifetime of not taking the adequate time to put better and healthier habits in place. I apologized for making my body carry years of stress. I apologized that I always just assumed that my body would heal me. Now I needed to heal my body.

Today is a better day. I woke up feeling like air was in me. The lump was still there, but I took the OTC medication and started doing some yoga. I have an appointment to see someone for a follow-up, and I started to meal plan healthier meals. What I told myself today while I sat in the shower was that I embrace this path, and my limits. I cannot keep acting like my health is something I can ignore because it has been so good. I cannot keep interrupting symptoms in my body to keep to my daily routines. I need to release an old Ashlie, one that was unwilling to focus on the body and afraid to handle the needs of the body. I am choosing to learn from this experience.

One of the first things I learned was that after my breathing got under control, I almost felt silly for being so afraid. I felt silly, like I had been overly dramatic. I couldn’t believe what I was saying to myself. I was telling myself that I was silly for getting so anxious over the feeling of NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE! When did I become so harsh towards myself? When I tell my body to shut up and never have a problem, and if it does then I am stupid for following along? The Daughter of Pentacles is double-earth and all about the body and the sense. The Bat reversed is all about releasing to begin again. I had been ignoring some of these messages within my body for a while, but I cannot avoid them any longer. This process is not really about healing some acid reflux, although I would love for that to go away. More than anything, this is a healing process of learning my limits, and letting my body be loved, completely and with attentive intention.